Coming clean/out...

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Coming clean/out...

Postby Angel Tarragon » Sun Aug 27, 2017 10:36 am

I posted this on Facebook (I also made a video coming out, if you would like to watch) back on the 11th of this month and want to share it here as well...

I deal with anxiety stemming from issues in gender identity. There are days where the anxiety is non-existent. There are days where it is tolerable, there are days where it gives me the shakes. And there are days that are very rare to the point where it is crippling, not allowing me to be productive in any endeavor.

This all stems from envy, a feeling of something I have been denied that I wanted when I was very young but never got the chance to figure out what it was until about ten years ago.

I expect to lose friends from this, but speaking the truth will help to ease my conscience and hopefully make it easier to tolerate myself in the long run.

Even typing this is sending my anxiety through the roof, but it needs to be done.
Last edited by Angel Tarragon on Sun Aug 27, 2017 12:31 pm, edited 4 times in total.
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Re: Coming clean/out...

Postby Angel Tarragon » Sun Aug 27, 2017 10:37 am

If you have interest in understanding better where I fit into the LGBT community, let me clarify...I am non-binary that identifies a little more closely to the female spectrum, this article helps to raise awareness for people like myself.

The type of transgender you haven't heard of
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Re: Coming clean/out...

Postby Angel Tarragon » Sun Aug 27, 2017 10:40 am

After dealing with the fallout of a situation on Facebook I posted the following as a status update;

I know not everyone is going to support me in my journey of living true to the person that I am, I know that I am going to draw negative attention to myself because I am no longer hiding the truth.

After living with hiding a truth, it can eat away at you...even if you have people in your life that know your truth, it still can't be easy to have to hide oneself away from the rest of the world. Maybe some people can and are okay with it, but I think for the majority of us living with a secret no matter how little of it slips out once in a while can still do developmental and/or emotional damage to oneself.

Living truthfully, with being transparent about who you are with everyone, requires a lot of bravery; you have to become brave to face those that want to push you around, knock you down and bully you. You have to stand up for yourself and not back down, to not cower in fear...because you have already had enough of that from living with that secret.

If you are going to live with your truth exposed to the world, you are going to need to be your own hero because you can't always depend on someone being there for you. You do what you have to do to continue to survive, to thrive!
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Re: Coming clean/out...

Postby Ashtagon » Sun Aug 27, 2017 11:24 am

I've said this before, but you have my full support in this.
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Re: Coming clean/out...

Postby Big Mac » Sun Aug 27, 2017 12:06 pm

Angel Tarragon wrote:I expect to lose friends from this, but speaking the truth will help to ease my conscience and hopefully make it easier to tolerate myself in the long run.


Not this friend.

Angel Tarragon wrote:Even typing this is sending my anxiety through the roof, but it needs to be done.


;(

Do what you have to do to be well, please.

Angel Tarragon wrote:I know not everyone is going to support me in my journey of living true to the person that I am, I know that I am going to draw negative attention to myself because I am no longer hiding the truth.

After living with hiding a truth, it can eat away at you...even if you have people in your life that know your truth, it still can't be easy to have to hide oneself away from the rest of the world. Maybe some people can and are okay with it, but I think for the majority of us living with a secret no matter how little of it slips out once in a while can still do developmental and/or emotional damage to oneself.

Living truthfully, with being transparent about who you are with everyone, requires a lot of bravery; you have to become brave to face those that want to push you around, knock you down and bully you. You have to stand up for yourself and not back down, to not cower in fear...because you have already had enough of that from living with that secret.

If you are going to live with your truth exposed to the world, you are going to need to be your own hero because you can't always depend on someone being there for you. You do what you have to do to continue to survive, to thrive!


I'm not your friend because I theoretically thought you might be cisgender. I'm your friend because you have told me cool things about D&D and accepted me (as a Spelljammer fan) and not given me grief over my D&D choices.

I've had grief about liking Spelljammer and 3rd Edition and that is nowhere near the sort of grief that people get from homophobic or transphobic people, but a bully is a bully and I don't like bullies. I do like people who share some of my interests and I don't care if my friends are male or female, black or white or whatever. It's always been about hanging out and having fun for me.

I've had nine years on The Piazza where I've been able to come here, hang out with people who both like the stuff I like and also don't like the exact same stuff I like (without being rude). I've had a lot more fun here, than I had back on the WotC forums. I've made friends I've never met before I came here and I've learned a ton of stuff I could never have learned on my own.

You have been part of that TAD. It would not have been the same without you.

I ever do something like get your pronoun wrong, please do ping me and let me know.

Look after yourself. And good luck getting anything you need to get sorted sorted.
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Re: Coming clean/out...

Postby Angel Tarragon » Sun Aug 27, 2017 12:30 pm

Thanks for the support, Ashtagon and Big Mac. I've had nothing but an outpouring of support so far and I love that I have so many friends that just accept me for who I am.

Big Mac wrote:
Angel Tarragon wrote:Even typing this is sending my anxiety through the roof, but it needs to be done.

;(

Do what you have to do to be well, please.

That was from my initial post on Facebook. I am over the anxiety of coming out and little by little I being able to shed the anxiety I have, finding a little more peace and becoming more comfortable in my own skin.

Big Mac wrote:You have been part of that TAD. It would not have been the same without you.

I know I was TAD for a long time, but part of the change to Angel was to be more comfortable with myself...as I have settled on a full name for a legal name change in the future, I would very much appreciate it to be called Angel. Just hearing people say my name, "Angel," gives such a sense of accomplishment. It may not be legal yet, it is my name.

Once again I am amazed at how much of an impact I have on peoples lives. I have struggled with self-worth issues a lot and often felt like this world would be better off without me. I know now that I have been wrong for that. Because I have mad ea difference, I have touched lives. Probably even more than I will ever know. The biggest thing for me right now is doing everything I can in my own self-interest to keep myself alive and healthy, because I know that this world needs me.

Big Mac wrote:I ever do something like get your pronoun wrong, please do ping me and let me know.

For the record, my preferred pronoun is them/they/their.

I took a break from the forums for a while to get myself in a better place, but I plan on being here more often now. Being a gamer is a part of me, something I can't deny and though I have tried in the past to move past it it has become a structural pillar that breaking would undermine me and hurt me more than I would want.
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Re: Coming clean/out...

Postby RobJN » Sun Aug 27, 2017 1:51 pm

You be who you're going to be, Angel. Your seat at my table is always available.
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Re: Coming clean/out...

Postby Havard » Sun Aug 27, 2017 4:15 pm

You will always be part of this Piazza family Angel.

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Re: Coming clean/out...

Postby Big Mac » Sun Aug 27, 2017 10:26 pm

Angel Tarragon wrote:
Big Mac wrote:You have been part of that TAD. It would not have been the same without you.

I know I was TAD for a long time, but part of the change to Angel was to be more comfortable with myself...as I have settled on a full name for a legal name change in the future, I would very much appreciate it to be called Angel. Just hearing people say my name, "Angel," gives such a sense of accomplishment. It may not be legal yet, it is my name.

Once again I am amazed at how much of an impact I have on peoples lives. I have struggled with self-worth issues a lot and often felt like this world would be better off without me. I know now that I have been wrong for that. Because I have mad ea difference, I have touched lives. Probably even more than I will ever know. The biggest thing for me right now is doing everything I can in my own self-interest to keep myself alive and healthy, because I know that this world needs me.


Sorry for getting your name wrong Angel. I was tired. It's been a long week.
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Re: Coming clean/out...

Postby Chimpman » Mon Aug 28, 2017 5:11 am

Angel, I think what you've done is very brave. You have my full support as well as my friendship.
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Re: Coming clean/out...

Postby Morfie » Mon Aug 28, 2017 8:35 am

Good on you Angel Tarragon. I don't know you from a bar of soap but I have respected your creativity on this board over the years, especially with Sarunia. It would be very sad if you had disappeared one day.

It does take a lot of courage to be true to yourself, in all shapes and forms.
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Re: Coming clean/out...

Postby timemrick » Thu Aug 31, 2017 6:24 am

I applaud your bravery, Angel! Be true to yourself.

I'm also glad to hear that you plan to be more active here again. I know that my own history and experience as a gamer would be sadly diminished without the valuable perspectives of friends with different identities and outlooks from my own.
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Re: Coming clean/out...

Postby Silverblade-T-E » Thu Aug 31, 2017 10:06 am

I don't mean this quite the way it sounds:
"So what?"
my point being the incredible STUPIDITY, wilful ignorance, and enjoying hate and bigotry of too many assholes who have caused abuse, ruin and death just because folk are different...or to be precise, seen as "weak", a "minority of numbers" thus safe to abuse
why should it be a big deal someone is gay or gender fluid, or asexual or whatever?
it's only a problem because of the *assholes who plague our societies*
it's crazy that you've had such stress, it is *not* your fault, it's the fault of a sick society :/
IMHO our civilizations have been warped by millennia as socio/psychopaths so often get power wherever they can grab it, so abuse sadism rape war slavery greed etc are demanded to be "the way things must be"

glad you've figured out who/what you are :)
we are NOT "bricks in the wall"

Being a big guy with VERY bad temper when provoked, made things easier for me, being a geek/nerd soft hearted and so got absolute hell until I banjoed several assholes.
I refused to be anything else than myself and fought to be that. but that puts one hell of a toll on you.
At our high school the scumbags actually put two gay lads in an industrial bin, set fire to it, luckily the bin toppled or they'd have burned to death
those who did it were particular scumbags, can't recall if they were amongst the 5 who attacked me and I put 2 of them in hospital
never occurred ot me to many years later that they might have thought I was gay. I knew I wasn't, but being silly/kind hearted to scumbags is seen as weak, effeminate.

always remember another lad who was a nerd, skinny as a nail, but with no "fire in his guts", so they bullied him terribly :(
never ever forget way the poor bastard had developed an automatic flinch response. cowering back, protecting himself....horrible


so hope things go well for you bud :)
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Re: Coming clean/out...

Postby Darkanth » Thu Aug 31, 2017 1:42 pm

We are what/who we are. Never let the bastards tell you otherwise. Onwards and upwards Angel.
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Re: Coming clean/out...

Postby Yaztromo » Thu Aug 31, 2017 3:52 pm

I wholeheartedly wish this step will give you serenity and resolve to move on.
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Re: Coming clean/out...

Postby Angel Tarragon » Thu Aug 31, 2017 9:17 pm

Big Mac wrote:Sorry for getting your name wrong Angel. I was tired. It's been a long week.
No worries. I just wanted to clarify. I've been dealing with issues over my it with some people, and really do get an emotional high when people use my 'chosen' name.

Silverblade-T-E wrote:I don't mean this quite the way it sounds:
"So what?"
I agree, you do have a very valid point.

Thing is, it's been keeping my struggle bottled up that has done me a lot of emotional damage. While I have had other friends that I have told prior to this, it was the distress of the situation that kept me from being more relaxed and at ease with myself. I couldn't do that to myself anymore. Over the past month after really unplugging did it hit me that while there is a lot that I don't need, the one thing I do need is peace. And in order to be more at peace it had to start with no longer living a lie, to stop living to lives and be unified with myself and by extension be completely truthful with all the the people I care about.

Darkanth wrote:We are what/who we are. Never let the bastards tell you otherwise. Onwards and upwards Angel.
Thanks, mate. And yeah, this whole experience has given me a lot of resolve so I am ready to be able to face anyone who challenges me and dares to test my patience in being who I know am.


Thank you all for your support. It really does mean a lot to me and I truly appreciate it.
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Re: Coming clean/out...

Postby Big Mac » Fri Sep 01, 2017 8:25 am

Angel Tarragon wrote:
Big Mac wrote:Sorry for getting your name wrong Angel. I was tired. It's been a long week.
No worries. I just wanted to clarify. I've been dealing with issues over my it with some people, and really do get an emotional high when people use my 'chosen' name.


Well, I don't really "get" stuff like non-binary, gender queer and a bunch of other stuff that goes beyond the LGBT bit yet, but I did read about gender-dysphoria. So I get the concept of letting people define themselves (which I hope covers most people). And, from the point of view of someone who doesn't like being called "Dave" I get that people want to be called by the right name.

I suppose it is down to you having the title of "my most namechanged friend" ;) and me having to rewire my brain several times. I suppose I had a short-circuit. I'll try not to do it again.
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Re: Coming clean/out...

Postby Zeromaru X » Sun Sep 03, 2017 10:06 am

I'm like Big Mac, I don't get much this stuff of non-binary and that stuff. But, I still consider you a friend of the Piazza even if we don't talk to much (but I'm not much of a talker person, either). Its good too know that you found your true self and are embracing it.
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